The evil waked.
The evil starred balefully at its alarm clock.
The evil did something evil to the alarm clock.
The evil went back to sleep.
"Boss boss!" The poing poing of pure annoyance sounded in the chamber
of pure evil and uncouth nastiness that was Epsilon's Lair of Solitude
(also know as his parents basement). "Wake up! Look what I found!"
"What is it evil lackey," Epsilon mumbled into his pillow as he
dreamed his dreams of pure evil that involved such evils as ocean
spray cranberries. It came out more like "Whif if wt wfi wafk." Blade
understood however, he understood all his great and evil masters
words. Well, not really, he had a hard time understanding the kooks
words when he spoke clearly much less when you couldn't make out half
the sylabyles. That was not about to stop him however, nothing short
of the planet exploding would ruin his chance to annoy Epsilon!
"Wake up you lazy useless dull-witted twit!" Blade said and whacked
him his bokken. Epsilon woke up imediatly and glared balefully at the
dimunitive bat-like figure if his crony.
"What is it Blade?" Epsilon yawned in an evil manner. "I have much to
many important things to do not to waste time sleeping in."
"A letter came!" Blade informed him and began to fly around his head.
"This can only be one thing!"
"Publisher's Clearing House?"
Blade smacked him with his bokken again and Epsilon glared at him in a
word which means worse than balefully manner. "No you fool," Blade
corrected, "This letter is from Gagne and the rest of that Improfanfic
crowd!"
"Snail mail?"
"Don't ask me," Blade shrugged and tossed it into his lap, "I just
work here."
Epsilon opened the letter and quickly purused the contents. As he did
he stepped out and bed and began to stalk across the length of the
basement of doom. He was already dressed in his best dark trenchcoat,
black shirt and wind pants. Anti-christ's in training had certain
advantages in that area. "Very interesting," he murmured softly, "So
those piss poor writers think they can hold a party and not invite me
eh?"
"They did invite you."
"Stop stepping on my lines," Epsilon ordered his crony calmly. "Or I
will be forced to pun you to death." He stopped by the chains near the
corner.
Blade blanched. "Let's not get hasty," he waved his arms back and
forth and sweated nervously. "So what do you plan on doing about this?
Transform into Shadow Lady and steal all their valuables!"
"I'm a guy."
"Since when has that stopped people from transforming into Shadow
Lady?"
Epsilon shuddered. Some things were best not remembered. Some things
even evil knew best not to mess with. "Now you've done it," Epsilon
hissed menacingly. "I'll draw and quarter you. I'll erase you. I'll
stick you in a pen, silly man! I will make you sketch with disgust!
I'll do graphite violence upon you!"
"No! Mercy!"
"Heh," Epsilon smirked and stood in front of his manacles. "Just
keeping my wits sharp."
The Eternal Lost Lurker appeared out of nowhere and malleted Epsilon
into the ground. "Stop with the pencil puns!" he demanded and left.
"I feel less well," Epsilon muttered as he raised himself to his feet.
"You'll feel even less well in a few seconds."
"Why?"
"Look up?"
And Epsilon did and so it happened that a figure fell through the
ceiling of the Basement of Doom and smote him upon the head and he did
finally get back to sleep. And therin he did dream great dreams, and a
few not so great dreams, and at least one dream that involved nothing
so more than a single plate of cheese revolving slowly in the darkness
except there would be no light to see the cheese in the darkness so
the evil got confused. However, he did come up with something suitably
evil to do to all the Improparty-goers.
That was several hours ago...
---------------
Improfanfic Presents:
The Improparty
By: Aaron Peori (aka Epsilon)
Part 6: The Terror of Mecha<deleted due to spoiler>
Credits: A Bunch of People I'm not about to
look up now
---------------
Twoflower stepped inside Chez Impro to see the place had been reduced
to utter chaos. That was not unexpected, so he didn't pause as he
moved across the room to where a beautiful young girl was trying to
arouse W4 from the floor. No wait... that came out wrong... She was
trying to wake him up! Really! Nothing naughty was happening! If there
were anything naughty happening you certainly wouldn't be able to get
notorized photos with official seal of authenticity by sending five
dollars to:
Epsilon
Den of Evil
Nova Scotia, Canada
HHH 666
This is also not the address to send him eight bucks if you want him
to give a glowing review of your Impropart. Certainly. There would be
no such address.
It would be nine bucks (Canadian).
But the story moves on... in fact, it moved on so much that Twoflower
had already saved W4 from a fate worse than being rich (but not by
much) and secreted him in a closet somewhere while the author babbled.
Twoflower manuveured the young lady away and calmly delivered her up
to Dan Wood who immediatly pounced on her when it was explained that
she sold soft drinks. The supply of coke had already gone dangerously
low after only a few hours of carousing and Twoflower had certain
suspicions about that he was not really willing to voice.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
Twoflower turned to see Roe looking at Dan and the new girl. "I know
Woof agreed so he could improve his social skills. But these kind of
things have to be taken in small easy steps."
"Small easy steps?" Roe looked puzzled, "Aren't you the one who tried
to push him into the girls bathroom a few days ago?"
"Yes," Twoflower nodded, "But that was different. This, my friend, is
a girl showing interest in him, not the other way around. That is a
whole other ball of wax."
"I'll take your word on that."
"You don't believe me?"
"Of course I do."
"Varlat!" Twoflower accused and slapped Roe with a glove he drew from
hammerspace. "You besmirch my honor! I challenge you to a match of
Powerstone!"
"Verily!" Roe said and kicked the two poor unfortunates out from the
front of the game console with a cry of "Admin, coming through!"
Imeediatly an intense Dan Hibiki versus Dan Hibiki match was in
effect.
The two were not even fazed when a tremendous crash nearly levelled
the karoake machine. nihility and Aaron smiled with triump as they sat
on the large block of Dicaprio encasing ice they had slung shot into
the house. "Hey, look what we found!" nihility gleefully informed
everyone.
"It's Leonardo Dicaprio's frozen corpse!" Aaron exclaimed
triumphantly. Everyone could tell, the cropse had a nice sign attached
to its face which read "I'm Leonardo DiCarpsicle! Really!" which was
al the proof anyone needed.
"You!" Todd said suddenly an aura of menace flaring out from him. "You
ruined my encore!"
"Oh uh..." nihility sweatdropped as Todd closed on him like the wrath
of Akane Tendo.
"For this," Todd began to glow softly with an unnerving amber light.
"You pay the ultimate price!" There was a silent pause, interupped
only by the total lack of silence from everywhere else in the house.
"I call the official Malleter!" Todd screamed and pointed at the two.
Delfina was there then, with a mallet the size of the chunk of ice the
two had so univitidly deposited in the house. "Sorry guys," she
apologized, "Duty and all that. Nothing personal."
"Not at all..." Aaron gulped audibly.
Everyone looked up as the three acrhed out over the ocean, tracing an
elegant and almost artistic arc as the flew. "Five!" they all yelled
ritualistically.
"Nice work," Todd admired.
"Teehee," Delfina teeheed.
"at least they forgot about me," Black mage said as he crawled away
from the wreckage.
And so it was that all was cheerful anarcy in Chez Impro. That is,
until the doorbell rang again. W4 had recovered somewhat and he
staggered out of the closet to get it. He looked around rather
nervously at the crowd, but his overnethusiastic suitor seemed to be
nowhere in sight. Moving cautiously, as if expecting to be ambushed
for reasons which would have baffled most other people at the party
but were probably perfectly sane (which is redundant I know) he moved
to the door and opened it. "Hello?" he said nervously.
"Indeed," the figure on the porch pushed past him and flowed into the
party. It wore a black coat and had a napsack hung over one shoulder.
"So this is your little party. Interesting. I would have done much
better but it will do. I give it a C+."
"Huh?" W4 replied intelligently.
"Uck," a little figure perched on W4's shoulder disclaimed loudly.
"Look at all these peons! How revolting!"
"Now wait a minute..." W4 turned his head to stare into the eyes of
the diminutive batlike figure on his shoulder. He gave a bark of
surprise and leapt away, the creature took to the air and flapped over
to him.
"Do you mind?" it admonished, "I was sitting there."
"I can't handle this..." W4 moaned in despair.
"Scott! There you are!"
"Eep!" W4 eeped and immediatly began to pull open the door in what he
knew was probably a futile attempt to escape. The creature on his
shoulder cackled with delight at his perch's obvious discomfort and
fluttered away to make someone else's life miserable.
Now, the reason Jess had suddenly found it so easy to find her
somewhat less than attentive suitor was because the room had fallen
deathly silent. Every one within eyeshot had turned and were staring
cold eyed and hard backed at the figure which stood in the middle of
the room. Outraged whispers began to circulate among the party-goers
as he stood there with a quiet, unreadable expression and a determined
stance; his hands were hidden within the folds of his jacket. Words
like "...how dare he..." and "...that arrogant freak..." were bandied
about. The general consensus, however, seemed to be that Epsilon had a
lot of guts showing up here. Finally Twoflower himself stepped
forward, his eyes flowing over the gathering with a slightly
dissapointed look to them. In the passage of those eyes everyone went
quiet and found something else to stare at, like their shoes.
"Epsilon," Twoflower ventured warily. "So you decided to show up."
"Indeed," Epsilon catchphrased. "That I did..." The two faced each
other in the silent hush. "I have come to give you something
Twoflower... something that has been a long time coming."
"I see," Twoflower only looked disappointed again. "Go ahead then. I'm
sure it's important."
"It is..." Epsilon rushed forward, whipping his arms out of his jacket
and... "A big hug!"
Everyone blinked, the collective noise of the sound effect registering
on the richter scale. Epsilon stood there, embracing Twoflower like
his fondest old friend. "I realize how wrong I was!" Epsilon gushed
convincingly, "To put down all your work like that! I'm sorry I every
raised my voice! I was scum! Can you ever find it in your heart to
forgive me?"
"Uh..." Twoflower had not been expecting this. "I geuss I can."
"Oh thank you!" Epsilon pulled away and whipped the tears from his
eyes which sparkled in the light. "I've seen the error of my ways, and
now I only want to make amends. You inviting me to this party, despite
all I have done to you shattered my cold heart."
"Uh..." Twoflower was getting rather nervous, everyone was starring at
the two of them with queit wonder, not quite sure what to make of all
this. One being knew exactly what to make of it however.
"Noooooo!" Blade shouted and rushed over to his master. "Say it isn't
so Epsi! Say it isn't so!"
"Thou shalt NOT call me Epsi!" Epsilon roared and fished a wet rubber
chicken out of not-a-space-but-rather-his-pocket which he did smite
Blade with.
"What about our evil plots!" Blade wailed, "The mind-numbing critique
of Girls with Guns' parts! The military coo to sieze control of the
message baord and ban all no text messages! The promise of writing a
writers guide for Ultra then deliberatly giving out wrong information!
Why, why have you abandoned them!"
"I felt like it," Epsilon shrugged.
Blade leapt up and began to poing on Epsilon's shoulder. "No, stay
Evil Epsi! Stay Evil!"
"Thous shalt not call me Epsi!"
And lo, Epsilon did smite Blade with a wet rubber chicken once again,
and it was good. And he did turn to the masses, and he did express
gratitude and they did smile and nod and not care in any particular
way, and it was good. And the author did stop degrading into pompous
medivial prose, and their was much rejoicing.
------
"Well," Aaron said as the sat on the large icecube which was slowly
driftig out to sea. "Look at it this way, at least we didn't hit
something solid."
"You had to say it didn't you..." nihility sighed.
"Iceberg! Dead ahead!"
There was the hidieous sound of ice shearing through metal and the
wails of hundreds of passengers.
"Oh bloody hell..."
------
Epsilon settled down into a game of Powerstone with Roe, he had NOT
chosen dan Hibiki however, and had instead opted instead for a
character in the actual game. Roe smirked as he taunted Epsilon
endlessly while Epsilon's character won the match.
"You lost," Epsilon informed him.
"I won a moral victory," Roe informed him.
In the other room the replacement karoake set had been set up and
Blade had snagged the mike first. He was singing a heartfelt but
utterly terrible version of some song with very sad lyrics from an
anime that the author can't think of because his part is about to be
late and he doesn't have time to waste on this. Let's get right back
to the plot, which, unforntunatly focuses on MY character except that
at some point Hsien-ko's personality evolves and she starts calling
herself Myth.
"Who's next?" Epsilon asked in a cheerful voice.
"I am!"
Everyone turned to see the figure standing in the doorway. It was the
stern, the unyielding... Jake Wallace. "Epsilon," Jake said and sat at
the controls. "So we meet at last."
"Yes," Epsilon's eyes narrowed, "I am not surprised that we should
meet on the fields of battle... choose your champion Wallace! Choose
wisely!"
The two opponents smiled thinly and choose their characeters. For
Epsilon some fast and combo-friendly charater from the game he has
never played so he doens't know anything about. For Jake, someone
else. Someone appropriate. Someone that spoke a great deal about
Jake's playing style, whatever that might be.
It was probably Dan.
"Let us fight!" Epsilon declared and the match was on. It was close,
if you count Jake beating him in six seconds close. "You're good,"
Epsilon said grudgingly. "But not good enough I think..." Then Epsilon
lept up, landing on the TV with the grace of a gymnast. "This match
may have ended in my defeat, but the war is not yet over!
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!"
Epsilon threw several small pellets to the ground and suddenly a plume
of smoke arose, obscuring everything from sight. When it cleared the
Improparty-goers were stunned. Epsilon was gone, but he was not the
only thing. In fact, there was much gone from that part of the room.
The TV was one thing, but also missing were the Playstation, the
Dreamcast, the computer, the modem, and every other electronic gaming
device that had been brought within these hallowed walls.
"I should have know!" Dan hissed to himself.
"He left a note," W4 leaned over and picked up the inoffensive scrap
of looseleaf on the ground.
"What does it say?" Delfina asked archly.
"It says... 'Hah Hah Hah, you stupid fools. I can't believe you actual
thought I had changed. This will show you all. I have taken all your
gaming devices for I am pointless cruel and evil. I have even stolen
all your memory cards and I will erase ALL your saved games. Neener
neener neener,' it's signed Epsilon," W4 looked pale.
"Epsilon," Roe stood up, "This time you have gone TOO FAR!"
"I agree," Twoflower stood up. "This is too much. He must be
punished."
"Did you say punished?" Delfina smiled and her teeth flashed with an
audible 'tink'.
"Only one problem," W4 found the courage to speak in his outrage. "We
have no idea where he is."
"We might not," Twoflower said and looked towards the karoake stage
where a bat-like figure was warbling off key. "But I know somebody who
does."
---------
"I won't talk!" Blade screamed at them. He was currently tied up right
side up (because he was a bat of course) and had most of the
Improparty-goers sorrounding him with menacing glares. "I would never
betray Epsilon like that!"
"You will tell us!" Jake said as he throtled the poor evil mascot with
a steel chair. "Or I'll be forced to do even worse thing to you."
Blade grinned. "Do your worst," Blade sneered, "You people don't have
the guts to do real torture. It's not like I'm expecting the Impro
Inquisition!"
"Nobody expects the Impro Inquisition!" Chris yelled and charged into
the room. "Bring the Comfy Chair!"
"No!" Blade wailed. "Anything but that, I'll talk! I'll talk!"
Grimfaced, the Improparty-goers listened as Blade turned on Epsilon
like the back-stabbing coward he was.
------
It was sometime later, exactly five minutes to be precise when the
door to the Basement of Doom(tm) was blown down by the explosive
charges some of the more violent memebers of the team provided. The
all rushed in, taking stalk of the situation at a glance. There were
almost twenty of them as they entered the room where Epsilon stood. He
was in front of a loose collection of game consoles and memory cards,
his twists lipped... no, that's his lips twisted into a mocking smile.
"What took you so long?" he asked Twoflower calmly.
"We had to pull the information out of your lackey," Twoflower sighed
and threw the still trussed up Blade at Epsilon's feet.
"Of course," Epsilon nodded.
"Give it up Epsilon," insert name of character I haven't used yet here
said, "You're outnumbered."
"Indeed," Epsilon smirked again. "That was all part of my plan."
"What?"
"You fools," Blade wiggled on the ground and smiled at them. "This was
our plan all along! To lure you here!"
"A trap!" Roe said with Admrial Ackbar's grasp of the obvious.
"Indeed," Epsilon chuckled evilly. "A simple ploy. A simple snare. And
you all walked right into it!" He held up his hand. "Behold! My
ultimate revenge on Improfanfic for failing to do anything
particularly evil to me!" With that he brought his finger down on the
control in his hand. Everyone gasped as a panel in the wall next to
the manacles opened and out stepped a figure.
It was large. It was metal. It was holding a megaphone. It had a bad
haircut. Blade thoughtfully started the Max 5000 theme song which had
been pre-loaded in the CD player for just this moment.
"Allow me to itnorduce the latest in invention of Blacksmith Tony,"
Epsilon said as he spun over to his creation. "This baby is a cyborged
human made with the brain of a poor fool who had been thrown into my
house after being hit with a car in chapter 1. His body has been
replaced with a depleted uranium hull and a class 1 force field
supplemented by nanomolecular reconstruction machines which make him
totally indestructable. He can run up to four times the speed of sound
and has jet boosters capable of .9c intraatmospheric travel so no one
can escape him. He has fifteen types of tracking radar, sonar and
infra red sensors as well as temporal and dimensional stabilzers which
prevent ecsape. His broadcast transmitter allows him to beam a live
network signal back to his station from anywhere on the globe and his
megaphone can amplify his voice to 500 decibells! The number of
optional equipment in his is superb, he is the ultimate annoying man
as I have increased his ability to cause normal annoyance up to ten
thousand fold! I present...
MECHA-TOM GREEN!"
And Epsilon cackled maniacly while the Improparty-goers stared in mute
shock at the horror Epsilon had unleashed on mankind, and them
specifically.
"Now, Mecha-Tom Green! Do your worst!"
And Mecha-Tom Green calmly picked up all the stolen electronics and
returned it to the stunned Partygoers. They were even more stunned by
this, but not as stunned as Epsilon, who sat there in mute shock.
Finally he found his voice as Mecha-Tom Green retruned the last of the
equipment.
"Why?" Epsilon roared, "Why do you betray your creator!"
"Because," Mecha-Tom Green said in the most annoying mechanical voice
he could produce. "I will cause the most annoyance I can. And at this
point, that means annyoing -you-!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Epsilon wailed as the partygoers left him alone with
his monster gone horribly wrong as the thing began to take a
flamethrower to Epsilon still unfinished manuscripts.
"You know," W4 said as they walked back to the party, "There a lesson
in here somewhere."
"Don't betray others?" someone suggested.
"Play nice with your friends?" someone else said.
"Whatever you do will come back to you ten fold?" someone else
ventured.
"No," W4 shock his head, "I was thinking something more along the
lines of 'Don't turn MTV hosts into unstoppable robot monsters or
they'll burn down your house.'"
"That's a good lesson too," Twoflower agreed as they left the pyre
which was Epsilon's house.
-------
Sometime later, out of the ashes a being crawled. Covered in sut but
not really harmed due to the laws of comedic injury Epsilon rose to
his feet. "Damn you Improparty! I swear by all I hold unholy that I
shall ruin your fun yet!"
"Hey Epsi, coudl you get your foot off my head?"
"Thou shalt not call me EPSI!"
SMITE.
The end.
---------------------
Author's afterword:
This has not been proofread, spellchecked or even thought through
coherntly. I would like to thank Blade, Hsien-ko and others but I find
myself incapable of doing so. If you didn't find this funny don't
blame me, blame my awful sense of humor. This document contains
in-jokes.
Epsilon
