And lo, in a sudden flash of light three people appeared outside the Disco of Evil. They stood in the a loose semi-circle, eyes full of courage and vigor. Nothing could stop them from there chosen destiny. They stood together, three bloodlines, three people. Alucard, the bastard vampire. A man of beauty and skill and perhaps a bit too much angst. Bob, the naive heir. A boy with a whip. A whip he -really- liked to use. A boy who had subscribed to whipping things monthly without actually reading it first and thus discovered a great many things about humanity he would rather not have. An Plaz... uh, the Plaz. A buxum young female mage in a lwether thong bikini... "EAGH!" Plaz shrieked suddenly. "What is it young Belnades?" "Fernander, and," Plaz explained, "It's daytime all the way over here in america." Bob looked over at the young mage. Who was no longer a she. And who was still wearing a leather thong bikini. Bob discovered more things about humanity that he would rather not have. "I think," said Alucard in his most dramtic fashion upon seeing this. "That I shall throw up." ------------------ Improfanfic increasingly attempts to distance itself from Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Bubbling like noxious gas from the rancid swamp which is the mind of: Aaron Peori Created By: Dan Mastriana, who should be ashamed of himself ------------------- "Now that the unpleasantness of the last fifty minutes is over," Alucard said to his two compainions. "Let us never speak of it again." "Agreed," Bob and Plaz chimed in unison. Plaz was no clad in an asexual (but very pretty) green robe. "Now," Alucard said as he stepped up to the doors of the Disco of Evil. "Let us unmake my father's evil plans!" He grasped the nob with purpse and... tugged a bit before letting go. "It is as I feared. The door is locked." "Oh," said Plaz. "I can just blast it apart with my magic!" "You shall not do that." "Then I'll just whip it apart with my chain whip!" Bob said eagerly. "You shall not do that either." "Huh?" "Then how are we supposed to get in?" "We shall have to undertake an ardous quest across great distance and many nameless villians before defeating a sub-boss who will give us the key so that we can proceed further." "Can't I just whip it once?" "No." "Please?" "No." ------------------ "Yo Shaft," Darc said as he entered the room with three or four hot nubile young succubi on his arms. "What is up with this quest to destroy Amano?" "Drac my man," said Shaft, the big black priest who's a complicated man but never turns his back on a vampire, "It is like this. I've tried everthing I can think of to destroy him. I sent hordes of incompotent minions, and then I sent hordes of incompotent minions and finally I sent hordes of incompotent minions, but none of them worked." "That," said Darc while coming his new 'fro. "Is most uncool Shaft. Are you saying our minions of funk -*handjive*- and evil can't even kill one small child?" "That may be true," Shaft nodded. "But I have come up with a most excellent plan that will ensure that Amano never gets a chance to draw those pictures of you. Alloe me to introduce our ace in the hole. A liason with the second must funky and" he did handjive "evil organization on the planet." And Drac turned around and resisted the urge to sweatdrop. "Shaft," he said as he pointed at the figure standing in stark sillohuette in the doorway. "I can't make out who it is." "I know," Shaft nodded. "That's because he's a special surprise geust villian who's identity can't be revealed at this point due to drmatic neccesity." "Oh, cool." -------------------- "Well now where?" "We must discover which of my father's various boss henchman has the key to the Disco of Evil." "How are we supposed to figure that out?" "Well," Alucard mused. "Ussually at this point I just wander around aimless as all other paths but the one I need to travel will be blocked." "Alucard," Bob said. "That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard." "Hey, who's the several thousand year old kick-ass vampire half-breed with cool oozing from his pores here?" "I suppose you are but..." "Wait, what is Belnades doing over there?" "That's Fernandez!" Plaz shouted at him and continued on his mision. He walked over to one of the hench-things gaurding the entrance to the Disco of Evil. "Hello Mr Evil hench monster," he winked slowly at it. "Could you do me a -really- big favor?" "Wow," the thing said. "You're actually talking to me? Normally I just sit her until you attack me viciously without provocation. This is..." his eyes began to sparkle with tears. "I... I don't know what to say. Thank you, thank you for treating me like a sentient being instead of a target!" He grabbed Plaz's hand and shook it. "I'll help you however I can." "Can you tell us which of Dracula boss henchman has the key to this door?" "Well I don't know his name," the hench-thing said. "But he lives at this address." And the thing gave an address which the author will not bother to create because it is a minor plot point at best. "Thanks a bunch! You're a real pal." She turned to Bob and Alucard. "Okay, you can kill him now." "What?" the thing said before Bob eagerly whipped it into pixelaed oblivion. "Plaz," Alucard said slowly. "Remind me to talk to you about proper vampire hunting techniques in the future." "It worked didn't it?" "That isn't the point!" ---------------- And so our heros made their way across the great continent of America, throgh forests and shopping malls and endless caverns where they fought many great adventures and at least one of them had sex but none of it was funny so I will skip all that and go straight to the part were they arrive in... Los Angeles. "This is the lair of the boss henchman?" Bob did not sound impressed. "It is small now, but in the years to come it shall grow into one of the most evil organizations in the world. Come, before we are spotted." The trio stepped under the arch upon which the words "Church of Sceintology" had been crudely written. "Not so fast!" "Ah-ha!" Alucard said and pointed his sword at their enemy. "You must be the boss henchman come to gloat over his enivitable victory over us before dissapearing before we can fight!" "Wait," Bob said with a gasp. "This can't be. Not you... you're my hero. You're... John Travolta!" And lo, in his white polyester disco suit John Travolta did sneer at Bob Belmont. "I am no longer just John Travolta you fool. I am John Travolta of the awakening of funk" and he did handjive to the disco beat "and evil intent!" "NOOOO!" Bob feel to his knees. "How could you? My hero turned against me." "Laugh evilly," John Travolta said. "You shall never get this key from me. For I, and L. Ron Hubbard, will make sure that Amano never gets a chance to draw a girlish Darcula! Face my hordes of sciwenotology slaves, that is, if you make it through my physics deftying deathtrap dungeoun to my secret lair first." And with that John Trvaolta did Disco spin himself across space and time and away from our heros. "How come I didn't get any dailogue in that scene," Plaz complained. -------------- And so it continues.... ---------------- Epsilon