Ranma ½: Curse of Darkness
Chapter 5
Senchi's First Date
The story so far: Life isn't stagnant; it is a constantly shifting,
ever-changing thing. Never content with the status quo, life strives
to alter itself, to become more complex and exciting. In this process
many changes are made, changes that are not always for the better...
(Scene: the rooftops of Nerima, which are currently empty as the sun
drifts lazily in the noon heat. Then the stillness is broken as a
figure flies up from between two roofs. It's Ukyou, and she lands
gracefully. Immediately following her is Akane, and the two of them
start running. A moment later, Senchi also leaps up, wielding a
wicked-looking no-daichi {a long, hiltless sword} in both hands. She
lands and gives chase.)
Senchi: Come back here, you two! This won't hurt...much.
Ukyou: You just _had_ to knock him into the pond, didn't you?
Akane: (they leap to another roof) He called me a tomboy!
Ukyou: Well, _she's_ trying to kill us...
Senchi: You can't run forever!
Ukyou: ...and I much rather be insulted than dead!
(Senchi leaps up, her no-daichi held above her head, and brings it
down between Akane and Ukyou, both of whom dodge. She pulls the sword
out of the slit it left in the roof.)
Senchi: If you think I'm letting Ranma marry anyone, _this_ will show
you! (swings at Ukyou)
Ukyou: (leaps back, barely clearing the blade) Where's Ryouga when you
need him?
Senchi: (attacks Akane, who rolls out of the way) I'm sure Ryouga-kun
is off somewhere thinking about me.
Akane: You're insane.
Senchi: (notices Ukyou trying to escape) And where do you think
_you're_ going?
(She reaches to her belt and pulls up a bolo, which she then proceeds
to throw. The weapon wraps around Ukyou's legs, sending her tumbling
on her face. Senchi turns back to Akane with an evil grin.)
Akane: Can't we talk about this?
Senchi: Nothing personal, Akane. It's just that I can't allow Ranma
to marry either of you. (shudders) Imagine, married to a _girl_.
Akane: I'm sure there's a more _civilized_ way of making sure Ranma
doesn't marry us.
Senchi(sadly): Hai, I'm sure there is... (brightens) but this way is
much more certain...and fun.
Voice: Never fear, Akane! _I_ shall protect you!
Akane(sarcastically): Oh great...
(From the sky drops a figure, briefly silouhetted by the sun. It
is...no, not Ryouga, not Kunou, but Mousse! Mousse? Read the last
chapter. The Chinese boy gets into an offensive position.)
Mousse: I shall _never_ allow you to hurt the woman I love, Senchi!
(The view zooms away from him, to reveal he is standing with his back
to the group. Senchi calmly bops him on the head with the hilt of her
sword. He wobbles for a moment and collapses.)
Senchi: Maybe I should kill him too, and put him out of my misery.
(turns back to Akane) Oh well, business before pleasure.
(Suddenly, a large tentacle wraps around her, pinning her arms to her
side and forcing her to drop her no-daichi. She turns her head to see
the looming form of Tarou-minotaur.)
Senchi; Hey, you jerk! This is none of your business! Let me go!
Let me GO!!!
(The minotaur smiles and cocks back the tentacle.)
Senchi: (blinks) Uh oh... (Tarou tosses her, and she goes flying high
above the rooftops) Yooouuu jeeeerrrk!!!
(Tarou-minotaur snorts. Akane and Ukyou let out twin sighs of
relief.)
********
(Scene: Later, a street in Nerima. Tarou has returned to human form,
and is walking with Ukyou and Akane.)
Akane: Why'd you come and help us, Tarou? I thought you didn't care
about us.
Tarou: I don't. But Ranma isn't likely to help me if I let Senchi
kill you two.
Ukyou(sarcastic): How thoughtful of you.
Tarou: (smiles) I try.
Akane: Well arigato Tarou, but I have to be going now. (running down
the road) Bye!
Tarou: (after a moment) Ukyou?
Ukyou(evasively): Yes?
Tarou: I noticed your restaurant has no delivery person...
Ukyou: (cocks an eyebrow) True.
Tarou: ...and since I'll be here a while, I need a job...
Ukyou(amused): And you want _me_ to give _you_ a job? Forget it, pal.
Tarou: Don't shrug the offer off so quickly. With a delivery boy, you
could reach a much larger customer group. And imagine being the only
restaurant around with instant air delivery to anywhere in Nerima.
(Waves his hand in a gesture meant to encompass the whole of the
ward.)
Ukyou: (chews her lower lip) That _would_ be useful...
Tarou: Besides, you shouldn't let personal feelings interfere with
your business interests.
Ukyou: Now you sound like Nabiki. (pauses) Fine. (sticks out her
hand) You have a deal.
Tarou: (shakes her hand; smiles) Now about my salary...
********
(Scene: Another road in Nerima. This one has a dumpster, which Senchi
strikes like a missile. After a moment she sits up, a banana skin on
her head and other filth covering her.)
Senchi: Yeech! (pulls something off her tunic) That stupid Pantyhose.
That's twice he's interfered. Well, I won't stand for it! (Slams her
fist into the garbage) Eeech. (looks at her slime-covered hand) I
need a bath...
Voice: Miss, allow me to help.
Senchi: Huh?
(Senchi blinks as two hands reach out and gently remove her from the
bin. She looks to see the boy who is holding her up. He has
wind-tossed brown hair and a handsome face, with blue eyes that
sparkle slightly. He wears a blue sweater and dress pants, and a
white scarf is thrown absently around his neck.)
Senchi: W-why thank you... (she blushes) Mr...
Boy: Mikado. Mikado Sanzenin. (allows her to stand)
Senchi: Well, Mikado Mikado, pleased to meet you. I am Senchi
Saotome.
Mikado: (frowns) Haven't we already met? (snaps his fingers) Why,
you're...
Senchi(quickly): No, you have me confused with somebody else. You
see, I have this...twin.
Mikado: A twin? [Well now, I haven't been involved with twins
before...] {he brushes off the back off her hand and kisses it,
causing Senchi to blush again) Allow me to apologise for my mistake...
(looks into her eyes) ...and ask you if you would accompany me to the
cinema this Friday.
Senchi: (stares) [I'm not actually considering this...what about
Ryouga-kun? Ah, the hell with him. He isn't around, it's his loss.]
I'd be delighted.
Voice: Ohhhh, that banana peel is sooo kawaii!
Mikado(mortified): Oh no...
(A cute girl, with cute long brown hair runs forward. She's in a cute
pink outfit with cute bows all over it, carrying a cute cup of
coffee...you get the idea. She runs up to the two and grabs the peel
from Senchi's head.)
Girl: Marquis de Roche! Marquis de Roche! Come here, Marquis!
Mikado: Azusa, I'm busy right now...
Azusa: Come along, Marquis! You too, Mikado, we have a practice to
attend!
(She leaps for joy, unintentionally sending the scalding coffee
Senchi's way...and picks Mikado up and begins to run off with him.)
Mikado: Wait, I don't know her number! Put me down, you silly wench!
(They disappear around the corner, leaving what used to be Senchi
standing in the street. Ranma blinks.)
Ranma: Where am I? (sniffs) And what's that awful smell?
********
(Scene: the Nerima police station. As we watch, Amigi storms out,
muttering to himself.)
Amigi: Imagine, attempted murder! ME! Don't they know who they're
dealing with? And "mentally unfit to stand trial", _please_! I
should just wipe out their stupid police force!
(A nearby trash receptacle bounces forward.)
Trash Can: Amigi!
Amigi: (pulls back fearfully) GAAH!!! (returns to normal) Don't _do_
that!
(Tsubasa's head pops out of the trash can.)
Tsubasa: I'm so glad to see you, Amigi.
Amigi: Why?
Tsubasa: Our deal! You promised to...
Amigi: I know what I promised, but...no, wait. I _can_ use you...
Tsubasa(eagerly): You want me to beat up Ranma?
Amigi: No boy, we must use our brains. Somehow I have to trap him in
female form...but with Cologne out there, it won't be easy. (smiles)
Come, we must plan, plan the death of Ranma Saotome! (megalomaniacal
laugh)
********
(Scene: the Tendo household. Ranma sits at the table across from
Akane and Nabiki. Just outside the sliding door, Tzubi is performing
katas with his daisho.)
Ranma: ...and I found myself covered with garbage. (to Akane;
suspiciously) You wouldn't know how _that_ happened, would you?
Akane: No, but I _do_ know that Senchi tried to kill me today!
Ranma: (blinks) Kill you? You didn't attack her, did you?
Akane: Nope. She just grabbed a sword and chased Ukyou and me across
the city. If it hadn't been for Tarou...
Ranma: This is serious. She's only defended herself up till now.
Nabiki: Looks like you've got a problem on your hands.
Ranma: And what can I do about it, Nabiki? It's not like I can
control her.
Tzubi: Why don't you try (slice) avoiding cold water?
Ranma: I've been trying _that_ since Jyusenkyou.
Nabiki: For some reason, cold water migrates to Ranma. I'm convinced
he'd find a way to splash himself on the moon.
Tzubi: Then (swish) why not practice the (slash) buddy system?
Ranma: Buddy system?
(Tzubi stops and smiles evilly. Nabiki clears her throat, putting her
elbows on the table.)
Nabiki: And how much is it worth to you, Saotome?
Akane: You walked right into that one, Ranma.
Ranma: (groans) Nabiki, you already _have_ all of my money.
Nabiki: Ranma, I'm shocked. To think I would stoop to mere monetary
gain when there is so much more I can take.
Ranma(wary): Which is?
Nabiki: (breathes on her nails) You see, i've made some deals at the
school, but some people have...reneged on their parts.
Ranma: (eyes widen) You want me to be a collection man!
Tzubi: He does have a brain.
Nabiki: Hai, he just uses it sparingly.
Ranma: Well you can forget it! I don't hurt innocent people, not for
anything. That's Senchi's department.
Nabiki: Ranma, Ranma, Ranma...why does it always come down to violence
with you? No, the _threat_ of violence is more than sufficient.
Knowing _you_ work for me will be enough.
Ranma: Okay, fine, I'll work for you. On the condition I don't have
to hurt anyone.
Nabiki: Agreed. (they shake hands)
Ranma: Why do I feel like I just sold my soul to the devil? (pauses)
Okay, what's the "buddy system?"
Tzubi: It's very simple. All you have to do is fill a thermos with
hot water...
Nabiki: ...and have a friend always with you, ready to use it.
Ranma: That's it?
Akane: The only problem is, nobody can _stand_ Ranma enough to hang
around him at all times.
Ranma(hotly): If I wanted somebody's opinion of me, I certainly
wouldn't ask a tomboy like you!
Akane: Ranma no BAKA!
(She picks up a potted plant and chases him from the room with it.)
Tzubi(softly): "And they call it, puppy love..."
********
(Scene: the Nekohanten, where Shampoo is behind the counter. She is
staring open-mouthed at Mousse, who looks bored.)
Shampoo: What say again?
Mousse(sneers): Don't you understand Japanese? Here, let me put it to
you this way. (in Chinese) <I quit!>
Shampoo: But...
Mousse: Forget it, Shampoo. You and your old crone can find another
slave to push around, because I'm leaving.
Shampoo: You never leave before...
Mousse: That's because I was held here by a _stupid_ commitment I
never should have made. Well, _nothing_ (punctuates the word with a
sweeping hand gesture) is holding me here now. Goodbye!
(He turns and stalks towards the door.)
Shampoo(angry): Good red-ants! Shampoo no care if you _die_!
(Mousse walks out, slamming the door. Shampoo's expression melts, and
she chews her lower lip.)
********
(Scene: the Tendo household, that night. Genma-panda and Soun are
playing Go. Ranma is watching the Guyver on TV, and has a large
bandage on his head. Nabiki is working on a laptop in the corner,
while Kasumi is dusting. Akane appears to be working on her homework.
At that point, Tzubi enters and approaches Soun.)
Tzubi: Mr. Tendo?
Soun: If it isn't Tzubi. Take a seat, boy. You can play me as soon
as I defeat this fool.
Genma-panda: {In your dreams, Tendo-kun.}
Tzubi: Much as I'd enjoy beating two rank amateurs, I have something
else on my mind.
(The panda places a stone.)
Panda: {Take that!}
Soun(thoughtfully): Good move...
Tzubi: Hello? I said I'd like to talk to you.
Soun: Just wait until I figure out my next...
(Irritated, Tzubi picks up a stone and places it on the board. Soun
and Genma blink in surprise.)
Tzubi: There, you win. _Now_ will you listen to me?
Soun: How did he figure out... (looks up at Tzubi) What do you want,
boy?
Tzubi: I wanted to thank you for your hospitality in letting me stay
here the past while, but I'm afraid I'll be leaving. (Nabiki looks up
from her computer)
Soun: What?
Tzubi: I said I'll be leaving.
Kasumi: (smiles) And where will you be staying, Tzubi?
Tzubi: I found an apartment house nearby. I'll be roommating with a
guy there.
Akane: Where?
Tzubi: Well, I looked at several. Plaza Towers, the Overlook, Maison
Ikkoku, and so on, but I finally settled on the Fujijitsu place.
Nabiki: That's pretty expensive. How do you plan on paying for it?
Tzubi: I got enough money left over from Amigi's account for a
deposit. Like I said, I'll be roommating...and I got a job.
Ranma: A job?
Tzubi: Hai, pat time at a dojo in town. I'm an assistant instructor.
Nabiki: Not bad. Couldn't you beat the regular instructor?
Tzubi: (shrugs) Who cares? I don't want to devote that much time to
it. Besides, I'm there for the money, not to bloat my ego.
Nabiki: (smiles mysteriously) You don't say...
Voice: (from outside) Nihao!
Ranma: Oh great...
(Shampoo bursts in-literally, as in through the wall-runs up to Tzubi
and glomps him. Ranma blinks, and Tzubi looks irritated.)
Shampoo: Ohh Tzubi husband, Shampoo need talk...
Tzubi: Go away.
Ranma: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Shampoo: She so sad, miss husband terribly...
Tzubi: Go away.
Shampoo: (hugs tighter) ...and need someone comfort her...
Tzubi: Go away.
Shampoo: ...during time of...
(Tzubi peels Shampoo off-with some difficulty-and drops her
unceremoniously on her butt.)
Tzubi(dangerous tone): I said...go away..._now_.
Shampoo: You want Shampoo do something for you?
Tzubi: Hai. I want you to _leave_, NOW! And preferably never come
back.
Shampoo: You joke? Is no April fool...
Tzubi: Listen. I don't care about you, I don't even _know_ you. I
have a life besides you, and I'd like you to stay out of it.
Shampoo: You no reject, Shampoo hope.
Tzubi: Do I have to drive it in with a sledgehammer?!?
Shampoo(menacing): Shampoo hope there no other woman...
Tzubi: I don't see how that's any of your business.
Shampoo: ‘Cause if is, Shampoo have no choice but _kill_ her.
(Tzubi stops dead. His eyes widen.)
Tzubi: [Kill? But...Nabiki can't defend herself...] (frowns) [That
means I'll have to get rid of Shampoo before I can ask Nabiki on a
date.] No...there isn't another woman. I just...really dislike you.
Out of my way.
(He stalks forward, roughly shoving Shampoo aside as he leaves the
dojo.)
Ranma: Isn't he going to pack first?
Shampoo: Ranma! (glomp) Tzubi be mean, you comfort Shampoo?
Ranma: (sweating) Well...you see...
(Akane, smiling sweetly, uses the Almighty Mallet to knock Ranma
unconscious.)
********
(Scene: A grassy plain beneath a purple sky. Wind blows with a low
howl. Two moons hang in the sky, like the eyes of an all-seeing
entity whose purpose in as unfathomable as the nutritional value of
Cheese Whiz. Ranma stands in the centre of this plain, his outfit and
hair whipped by the wind.)
Ranma: [Where am I?]
Voice(slightly irritated; echoing): Well, _finally_. I thought you'd
never show up.
Ranma: (spins; echoing): Who...
(He blinks as he sees his morally incorrect female half calmly sitting
crosslegged on thin air about three metres away. All following
dialogue is echoing, ‘cause that sounds cool.)
Ranma: S-senchi?!? How...
Senchi: You're so dense, Ranma. You're _dreaming_, you idiot.
Actually, we're _both_ dreaming.
Ranma: What do you mean?
Senchi: (rolls her eyes) It's like talking to a brick wall. Listen.
You have no idea how we're linked, do you? I'm not a _completely_ new
person, Ranma. I'm _you_, without your inhibitions. You're me with
more self-control. We're the same person, and we always will be.
Ranma: No! You're lying!
Senchi: And what do I possibly have to gain from lying? Anyway, what
you believe doesn't matter.
Ranma: (taking an offensive stance) Go away Senchi, before I have to
get violent.
Senchi: Ranma, this is the _mental_ plane. Your fists won't hurt me.
Ranma: We'll just see about that!
(He charges at Senchi, and with a vicious war cry, launches a flying
kick at her unconcerned face...and passes right through her, to slam
into the ground. Senchi swivels to face him.)
Senchi: Despite the amusement I get from seeing how pathetic an
opponent you are, I have business we need to discuss.
Ranma: (standing up) Forget it. I don't deal with sleaze.
Senchi: You've dealt with Nabiki before, and she's much more likely to
double-cross you than I am. Now listen. I'm going to promise you I
won't try to kill any of your girlfriends, on one condition.
Ranma: I said...
Senchi: That you occasionally let me out.
Ranma: ...you can forget it. I can keep you in myself.
Senchi: (eyes narrow) Very well, Ranma. You want to play hardball? I
can play with the best. (stands up; still in mid-air) You're out of
your league here, Ranma. You're not fighting an enemy, you're
fighting yourself. And you'd better pray you don't win.
(She disappears.)
********
(Scene: breakfast at the Tendo household. Everyone is chatting
amiably except Ranma, who looks exhausted and worried. His food is
untouched.)
Genma: What's you problem, boy?
Ranma(sulky): Nothin'.
Genma: Lost your appetite?
Ranma: Y- (Genma picks up Ranma's plate and tosses the contents down
his throat) es...
Kasumi: Did you have a bad dream, Ranma?
Ranma: You _could_ say that...
Voice: Good morning, Ranchan!
Ranma: (perks up) Ukyou...
(Said chef walks in through the porch. She has her hands behind her
back.)
Ukyou: Ranchan, I heard you were going to be using the buddy system...
(holds up a thermos)
(At this point, Shampoo skips in the door...also holding a thermos.)
Shampoo: Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo come... (spots Ukyou; angry) What she
doing here?
Ukyou: (looking annoyed) I'm here to help Ranchan, you bimbo!
Shampoo: That Shampoo's job, silly girl!
(They both growl and begin to glow. Ranma puts his head in his
hands.)
Ranma: What'd I do to deserve this?
Akane: Got a few days? I'll give you a list.
********
(Scene: Amigi's spellchamber. Said magician is sitting in an easy
chair near a bookshelf, flipping through a tome. Tsubasa, looking
bored, is standing near a shelf full of strange-looking bottles and
grotesque objects. He stretches his hand towards one curiously.)
Amigi: Don't touch that. (hasn't looked up from his book)
Tsubasa: (stops) Why not?
Amigi: Because it will turn you into a frog.
Tsubasa: Oh... (reaches for another item)
Amigi: And _that_ will turn you into a slug.
Tsubasa: (points at a third, innocent-looking bottle) And what about
this?
Amigi: (looks up; dark tone) That, my boy, will turn you into the most
horrid, evil, monstrous creature on the face of the Earth. A creature
so terrifying it strikes fear into the hearts of children.
Tsubasa: Ranma?
Amigi: (eyes glitter) No, far worse...a used car salesman!
(Tsubasa shrieks and falls back a step, then stops.)
Tsubasa(disbelief): A USED CAR SALESMAN?!?
Amigi: Hai... (looks back into his book) Aha! (he closes it with a
flourish) I've found it! The answer to all our problems!
(He cocks his head back and lets out a roll of megalomaniacal
laughter.)
Tsubasa(excited): What is it?
Amigi: (stops) I...I forget.
(Tsubasa facefaults. Amigi opens up the book, and starts to look
through it again.)
********
(Scene: the road from Furinkan High. Ranma, looking annoyed, is
walking home. Two steps behind him, Ukyou and Shampoo are yelling at
each other.)
Shampoo: Ranma want Shampoo help! He no need stupid girl mess up!
Ukyou: Why don't you go chase Tzubi for a while, you hussy? Or maybe
the other half of Nerima!
Shampoo: You take back! Shampoo very loyal to her husband...s.
Ukyou: You know Shampoo, bigamy is illegal.
Shampoo: Shampoo no care! You go ‘way!
Ukyou: Leave Ranchan alone! He needs you less than he needs his
curse!
Shampoo: Ranma need someone he love help him, all else need no apply!
Ukyou: True, then why haven't you left?
(Shampoo grabs Ranma's arm, pulling him to a halt.)
Shampoo: You tell her, Ranma! You love Shampoo!
(Ukyou grabs his other arm.)
Ukyou: Tell the truth, Ranma. _Which_ one of us do you want to help?
Shampoo: Choose Shampoo! (pulls Ranma to her)
Ukyou: No, choose me! (pulls Ranma to her)
(The tug of war goes on for a minute or so. All the while, Ranma's
expression goes from hopeless, to agitated, to angry and finally to
infuriated. He yanks his arms from their grasp.)
Ranma: Cut it out! (he spins on the stunned girls) I've had to deal
with this all week! More like all year! And frankly, I'm _sick_ of
it!
Shampoo: What you talk, Ranma?
Ranma: I am not a piece a meat! I don't need any of this!
(He turns away and sprints off at high speed.)
Ukyou: (after a brief hesitation) Ranchan, wait! (she takes off after
him)
Shampoo: Aiya! Come back! (runs after the two)
(The chase takes a course through the streets of Nerima, with Shampoo
and Ukyou hot on Ranma's heels, but falling gradually behind. They
come to the canal, and Ranma swerves around a corner and out of sight.
Ukyou and Shampoo also round the corner, but are forced to come to a
halt before slamming into an old woman watering the street. They
blink. Ranma has disappeared.)
Shampoo: Where he go?
(Ukyou is staring at the puddle, and more significantly, a wet
footprint on the other side.)
Ukyou: Uh-oh...
Voice: Hello, girls.
(They both look up, to see a cheerful-looking Senchi perched on the
wall. Ukyou groans.)
Shampoo: SENCHI!
Senchi: Very good dingbat, and can you say banana?
Shampoo: ‘Course Shampoo can. Banenne...anan-an-_an_...
Ukyou: (reaching down) Shampoo! Use your...
(Senchi springs off the wall, and flies between the two girls. She
rolls to her knees and comes up with her back to them and her arms
held high. In each hand is a thermos.)
Ukyou(lamely): ...thermos...
(Senchi calmly stands up and turns and turns to face them. She calmly
tosses the thermoses over her shoulder and into the canal.)
Senchi: Oops, silly me. (arrogant smile) Did you _really_ think that
lame plan would work?
Shampoo: (pulling out her bonbori) Senchi, you no stay long!
Ukyou: (hesitates, then brandishes her combat spatula) I guess I'll
have to help the bimbo...
Senchi: A fight? (chuckles evilly) Well now. This should
be...amusing.
Shampoo: You not so sure soon! Aiya!
(Ukyou pole-vaults (or is that spatula-vaults?) over Senchi as Shampoo
charges.)
Ukyou: [She can't use her mega technique if Shampoo and I are in two
different places...]
(Shampoo swings her bonbori in complex offensive patterns, adding in
kicks, elbow jabs and other moves. Senchi dodges all of it with
ease.)
Senchi: You're pathetic.
Ukyou: Try this on for size!
(She adds her spatula blows to Shampoo's strikes, but Senchi still
dodges, albeit with less ease.)
Senchi: I'd love to stick around and continue this girl talk, but...
(she clenches her fist and it turns jet black) I have... (swirls of
energy begin to collect around the hand) more important things to do!
Ukyou: [Here it comes. I hope she uses it against Shampoo...]
Senchi: Take this! (she extends her ebony hand upward)
RA-SHIN-GIN-KIRI!
(Ukyou backpeddles, but Shampoo continues the assault. Then a
concussion rocks the air and a sphere of opaque black energy forms
around Senchi's fist and radiates outward. It passes through Senchi,
but slams into Shampoo and sends her flying into the wall. Ukyou
manages to escape the worst of it, but is still picked up and tossed
into the fence. It creaks, then gives way with a metallic snap,
sending Ukyou plummeting into the canal. The energy sphere turns
translucent and then dissolves into streamers of energy that flow back
into Senchi's hand. Senchi clenches her fist, gathering up the last
of the power, and looks at the crater her technique created.)
Senchi: (smiles) Fools. I've not spent my time inside idly. (she
walks over to Shampoo, her hand returned to normal) I _should_ kill
you now, but it's Friday and... (looks up at the clock tower in the
distance; surprised) I only have two hours before my date! Later.
(She leaps up to a roof and away. The view runs along the ground and
then over the lip of the canal. There, we see that Ukyou did not fall
into the water, but is in fact hanging onto a section of wirelink that
fell over the side but is still attached to the rest of the fence.)
Ukyou(worried and strained): Date?! I've got... (starts to drag
herself up) a bad feeling about this...
********
(Scene: the Tendo's backyard. Ukyou, Genma, Soun, Tzubi and Nabiki
stand near the pond.)
Genma: A date? (pushes up his glasses; seriously) You know what this
means, don't you? (everyone nods solemnly; Genma smiles) It means I
can have Ranma's portion at dinner tonight!
(Ukyou calmly smashes Genma with her spatula, sending him flying into
the pond. The panda growls curiously and holds up a sign.)
Panda: {What'd I do _this_ time?}
Ukyou: Well he was a lot of help.
Soun: This leaves us but one course of action. We must find Senchi
and stop her before...
Ukyou: You don't say. And how do you propose we find her?
Panda: {Release the hounds!}
Nabiki: We don't _have_ hounds.
Panda: {I just always wanted to say that.}
Soun: We could use careful deductive reasoning, combined with
researched clues, psychological profiles and eyewitness accounts to
find her, or... (Ukyou blinks) we can charge about pell mell screaming
at the top of our lungs! (he runs to the wall) SENCHI! (runs down to
the gate) SENCHI!!! (runs out; voice receding in the distance)
SENchiiii....
(Genma runs after him, holding up a "Wait for me, Tendo-kun" sign.
Ukyou shakes her head.)
Ukyou: Looks like it's up to us.
Tzubi: Up to _you_. It doesn't really matter to me in the slightest
what Senchi does. (to Nabiki) See you in class Monday.
Ukyou(sounding desperate): Nabiki?
Nabiki: You couldn't afford it. (she also walks away)
Ukyou(pleading): You can't expect me to look for Senchi alone?!?
(At this moment, Akane walks out.)
Akane: Senchi's loose? Well, I guess we'll have to find her.
Ukyou: Great. What else can go wrong?
Voice: I, Tatewaki Kunou, offer my assistance!
(Kunou runs into the yard, followed by Sasuke.)
Kunou: It is my understanding that you seek the fair pig-tailed one,
who has eluded the evil Saotome's grasp.
Ukyou: How did...
Kunou: Now, thanks to noble Sasuke, he and I can at least free her
from Saotome's evil clutches.
Ukyou: I had to ask.
Voice: I shall protect you, Akane, (Mousse leaps from the roof) in
this dangerous venture.
Ukyou: Why me?
Kunou: Do not fret, my lady. Forsooth soon, the dawn of antiquity is
pebbled like the shores of divine right. I have prepared for this
day. Sasuke! Fetch the family bloodhound Valiance!
Akane: A bloodhound? Great, now we'll find her no problem!
(*crack*boom*ominous roll of thunder*)
********
(Scene: a sweeping, ranch-style home on the edge of a gigantic lawn.
In one of the many front windows, we see a shadowy figure getting
dressed. In the room, we see it is Mikado, who adjusts his cashmere
sweater so it lines up more evenly with his neatly pressed slacks. He
smiles and pulls out a tiny comb, with which he proceeds to adjust his
hair.)
Mikado: Mikado my boy, no woman on the Earth could resist you tonight.
(A buzzer rings, and the light on an intercom comes on.)
Servant(over intercom): Master Sanzenin?
Mikado: I'm here, Viarde.
Viarde: There's a girl down here who says she's here to see you...
Mikado(surprised): How did she get past security?
Viarde: I really have no idea... (gulps) Sir, could you please come
down? She's scaring me...
Mikado: I will be down presently.
********
(Scene: back in the Tendo backyard. Everyone is standing around
a...I'm not quite sure _what_ it is. Allow me to describe it. It is
a half a foot tall and two feet long, made up of fold upon fold of
fatty flesh covered in thin molted brown and off-white fur. A stubby,
inert tail pokes out of one end, and a small, round, wrinkled head
extends from the other. Ukyou points at it with a shaking hand.)
Ukyou: W-what the hell is _that_?!?
Kunou: Tis the family bloodhound Valiance. A better tracker can not
be found.
Ukyou: At least not by that thing. I doubt it could find the ground,
much less Senchi.
(The...dog(?) woofs in a wheezing tone. Kunou is suddenly
backgrounded by a blazing blue pillar of energy as he spins and
extends his bokken upward with a metallic shink.)
Kunou(roars): Valiance has discovered the trail! Quickly, let us be
off!
(Return to reality, where Sasuke is holding a neon blue light behind
Kunou and Valiance is snoring.)
Ukyou: C'mon, let's go. (she begins to walk away)
Akane: Wait up, Ukyou! (starts after her)
Mousse: Never fear Akane, _I_ am here to protect you! (starts off in
the opposite direction)
Kunou: Come, Sasuke. And forget not Valiance, whose noble nose shall
lead us to fair beauty.
(Kunou strides after Akane. Sasuke throws Valiance over his shoulder
and starts after them.)
********
(Scene: the Sanzenin household. Mikado is walking down a hall. He
opens a door and steps into a parlour. Inside, a man in a butler's
uniform is pressed against the wall as far away as possible from a
swivel chair which is turned away from Mikado.)
Mikado: Viarde! What is...
(The chair swivels to face him. In it sits Senchi, but not the
rough-looking girl from the dumpster. Her hair has been exquisitely
groomed, and falls down in a long tendril that wraps around her like a
snake made of fire. Her face has a look of haughty beauty, and has
some lipstick and light blush applied. She is wearing a tight, red
strapless dress that reveals a good portion of her more...feminine
attributes and leaves her shoulders and arms bare. The dress goes
halfway down her legs, and is somewhat loose. She is wearing a pair
of dark pantyhose, and her legs are crossed.)
Senchi(very alluring tone): Hello, Mikado...
Mikado: Homina, homina... (knees shake)
(Senchi stands up and saunters over to him.)
Senchi: Are you ready for our date?
Mikado: (snapping out of drool mode) H-h-hai...yes, we shall leave at
once.
Senchi: (pats him on the cheek) I know just the place...
********
(Scene: the streets of Nerima. Soun runs around near Full Soun Tendo
Tear Breakdown (tm), screaming out Senchi's name. Genma-panda sits
down at a street stand, eating. Kunou is laughing megalomaniacally
and parading around, pointing at various objects. As he does Sasuke
runs over with Valiance and shoves the snoring dogs face at the place
indicated. Mousse is chasing an innocent-looking boy around, yelling
"Die Senchi!" Akane is looking in a restaurant door. Ukyou is calmly
reading a newspaper.)
Ukyou: [Amateurs. It takes someone who _knows_ Ranchan to know where
Senchi would go, since they share the same tastes. Now if I remember
correctly...] Aha! (she holds up the newspaper, pointing at an
article) This is where we'll go!
********
(Scene: a movieplex. On the marquee are the words: "Zombie
Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars." Mikado and Senchi stand in
line.)
Mikado: Zombie Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars?
Senchi(sidles into him; low tone): But don't you know? This is the
scariest movie in town. And us fragile women always latch onto the
nearest person when scared...
Mikado(brightens): Well what are we waiting for?
********
(Scene: same place, some time later. The lineup is gone. Ukyou runs
up, with Akane, Mousse, Kunou and Sasuke-carrying Valiance-in close
pursuit. She comes up to the front of the theatre and stops.)
Ukyou: This is it.
Akane: Zombie Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars? Are you sure?
Ukyou: Well, if Senchi and Ranma share the same tastes, then she'll be
here.
Akane: But this movie is just a gorefest! It was the stupidest thing
I ever watched! Just a whole lot of fighting and blood, with no plot
at all!
Ukyou: Exactly! C'mon, we have to find a way in.
********
(Scene: the inside of a movie theatre. The rows are packed with
teenage couples, all cringing away from the screen, which we can't
see. All except one couple, that being Mikado, who is staring
open-mouthed at the screen, and Senchi, who is leaning forward
eagerly.)
Senchi(shouts): More gore! More gore!
(There is a woman's scream and the cracking sound of snapping bones,
accompanied by liquid gushing sounds. Senchi sits back in her chair,
looking satisfied.)
Mikado: How can you _watch_ this? (another cry of pain) Oh my...
Senchi: (smiles and puts an arm around his shoulder) Now Mikado, don't
think of it as just blood and guts, think of it as performance art.
(We switch our view to the ceiling, which is made up of many panels.
One of the panels shifts and is pulled up and away. In the ceiling,
we see the group clustered around the hole, looking down at Senchi and
Mikado.)
Kunou: To think I am reduced to this. I should be down upon the floor
with my pig-tailed goddess.
Akane: Quiet. There she is.
Mousse: Where? I don't see her.
Akane: That's no big surprise.
Sasuke: Perhaps we should descend upon her now?
Ukyou: I'd rather not wind up in the hospital, thanks. We'll have to
wait until Senchi's alone and we can surprise her.
Kunou: (chuckles) [And then...then she and I shall relieve ourselves
of these infidels...]
(We see a Kunou Dream Sequence (tm) of a sparkly-eyed Senchi leaning
against Kunou, who has his arm around her and smiling as wind ripples
both of them while dragons drink tea and eat each others heads in the
background and a pudgy man with Japanese and Chinese flags for ears
offers daisies to a demon spewing eggs at Kunou's head.)
Dream-Senchi: Ohh Kunou, you saved my soul! You're soooooo strong!
(The dream Kunou laughs uproariously, then goes down as some of the
eggs hit his head. In the real world, Kunou is chuckling insanely,
tears running down his cheeks in streams and his hands pointed upward
and clawed.)
Ukyou: (staring) What's with him?
Akane: I don't think I want to know...
(Down in the theatre, Senchi has her head on Mikado's shoulder. His
expression is vying between bliss, disgust and terror.)
Senchi(breathes): You're so brave...
Mikado(tiny voice): H-hai...
(At this point, there is the roar of a chainsaw and a man's ululating
scream.)
Mikado; What the hell are they doing?!?
Senchi: I believe the technical term in emasculation...
(There is a final scream and every boy in the theatre, Mikado
included, places their hand protectively over their crotch.)
Senchi: Aww, did you think that was cruel? (moves her had up and
angles towards him) Here, let me make the nasty pictures go away...
(she moves closer and closes her eyes...)
(...at this point, up in the ceiling, everybody is watching in horror.
Except Kunou that is, who is looking upward and saying "Pig-tailed
girl" in low, reverent tones.)
Ukyou: She wouldn't...
Akane: We've got to _do_ something!
Ukyou: I'm open to suggestions...
Shampoo: (suddenly hanging from the roof) Nihao! Shampoo come get rid
Senchi! (she pulls out a kettle)
Ukyou: NO!
(Down below, Senchi gives up on subtlety and throws herself on Mikado
with a violent glomp/kiss combo that would put most boys in a cold
shower. Meanwhile, Shampoo tips the kettle, sending a stream of water
down through the hole. Mikado is just beginning to get with the
program when Senchi, who is on top, is hit by the boiling water...
Ranma's eyes open and he stares at Mikado, who hasn't yet noticed
anything. Ranma starts to glow.)
Ranma: (drawing back) YOOOUUUUU _SICK_... (he pulls back a hand and
uses it to put Mikado's face into the aisle behind him, the hard way)
_PERVERTED_...
(Ranma axehandles the dazed Mikado, effectively trashing the already
busted chair. Suddenly another stream of water falls on him, this
time freezing cold. Up in the ceiling, a panting Sasuke is holding a
bucket. Ukyou and Akane are staring at him. Shampoo is tied up in
the corner.)
Ukyou: What'd you do _that_ for?
Sasuke: Well, you seemed so concerned about the hot water that I
thought...
Ukyou: Don't think. It gets us into too much trouble.
(Down below, Senchi is holding Mikado's bruised form in one hand and
looking up at the hole in the ceiling.)
Senchi: [Trying to ruin _my_ date, are they...we'll see about that!]
(pulls Mikado to his feet; most feminine tone] Mikado-sama, I'm
_really_ scared by this movie. Let's go back to your place, okay?
Mikado: (unfocused eyes, bruised face, missing teeth)
Shmurr...whumwever woo cay dokm...
(She begins to drag him out. Up in the ceiling, the other's notice
this. Ukyou stands up.)
Ukyou: Quick, we can't let her get away! To the Sanzenin household!
All: To the Sanzenin household!
********
(Scene: the Sanzenin residence. Senchi and Mikado are let in the
front door by Viarde.)
Mikado: (rubbing his forehead) I have a splitting headache...
Senchi: I think you just got a little too excited at the theatre.
Mikado: Perhaps I did...
Senchi: (leaning against him) Why don't you show me... (pauses) where
the bathroom is. I need to freshen up.
Mikado: Sure. First door on the left down that hall. (points) You'll
find me at the end of this hall.
Senchi: Arigato...
********
(Scene: the park-like yard of Mikado's home. Kunou and
Sasuke-carrying Valiance-lead the way in true commando fashion. Akane
is streaking from various patches of cover behind them, Shampoo is
leaping from tree to tree, and Ukyou is giving them all strange looks
as she walks out in the open.)
Ukyou: What do they think this is? Golgo-13?
(Up ahead, Akane runs into cover behind a tree and her foot passes
through a red laser trigger. Suddenly sirens whine, bells clang and
klaxons blare.)
Akane: Oops...
********
(Scene: a bathroom. Senchi enters and steps up to the mirror. She
pulls out a container of lipstick and puts her purse down by the sink.
Holding the tube up, she waits expectantly. Her reflection in the
mirror seems to blur and distort, then is suddenly replaced by an
image of Ranma in his tunic and pants. Ranma steps back.)
Ranma(slightly distorted voice): Huh? How in...
Senchi: (starts applying the lipstick) You still don't get it, Ranma?
Of course not. (puckers her lips and puts the tube away) We're the
_same_ person, Ranma. I'm just all the emotions, brains and desires
you've never used, all wrapped up in a feminine package. Thanks to
the training I got from Amigi, not only can I keep you from seeing
what I do, but I can let us talk anytime I want.
Ranma: Are we dreaming again?
Senchi: No, this is the real world. I'm just letting you see through
my eyes like you used to be able to do. I, however, can not see you,
nor can anybody else.
Ranma: Why are you doing this?
Senchi: I just wanted to tell you that I'm at Mikado's, and I feel
_lucky_ tonight...
Ranma: (gasps) You wouldn't!
Senchi: I told you I play hardball, Ranma. Can you think of
_anything_ more likely to make you want to remain inside?
Ranma: You _BITCH_!
Senchi: (smiles; Ranma fades away) Ain't it the truth.
********
(Scene: the living room, where Viarde is arranging the cushions on the
couch. Suddenly an alarm starts to ring. He leaps up, runs to the
intercom and pushes a button.)
Viarde: Master Sanzenin, we have uninvited guests.
Mikado: (chuckles) Deal with them, Viarde.
Viarde: Straight away, master.
********
(Scene: outside, the "commandos" are running towards the house.
Suddenly they all stop as a large broadsword flies through the air and
embeds in the ground before them. Then several figures in black ninja
garb jump out of the bushes. They take up positions between the group
and the house.)
Kunou: And who is this that blocks the path of Tatewaki Kunou, Blue
Thunder of Furinkan High and lord of the sword? (pulls out his bokken
and takes up an offensive posture) Stand aside, or I shall be forced
to smite thee.
Ninjas(all): We are the Sanzenin Super Samurai Strike Squad, and none
shall pass! (they pull out various weapons, and one of them retrieves
the broadsword)
Ukyou: (snaps into offensive posture, combat spatula at the ready)
Forget it, sugar. My fiancee's in there, and nobody's stopping me!
Shampoo: (pulls out a pair of bonbori) Shampoo no let stupid ninja's
stop!
Mousse: (flexes his arm and pops out a pair of claws) Stay behind me
Akane, _I_ shall protect you!
Kunou: Valiance! Kill!
(The dog lets out a long snore.)
Sasuke: Perhaps we should discuss this first...
Ninjas(all): Then face destruction!
(The two groups charge at each other, roaring battle cries.)
********
(Scene: a hall in the Sanzenin household. Senchi, scowling, is
walking down the hall towards a door at the end.)
Senchi: [I warned you, Ranma. And while I'd rather save myself for
Ryouga-chan, you leave me no choice. Nothing's going to stop me now!]
(she comes to the door and knocks)
Mikado(from inside): Is that you, Senchi?
Senchi: Hai, Mikado-chan... (she grimaces)
Mikado: Well come in, come in.
(Senchi puts on a happy face and opens the door. When she steps
through, the first thing she is greeted with is a floor to ceiling,
wall to wall window with an excellent view of a hill which slopes
gently upward and is covered by beautiful flowers. The room up to
that point has a large swimming pool in it.)
Senchi: Nice view.
Mikado: It's even better over here.
(Senchi smiles and turns. Then the smile falls off her face and she
cringes back, eyes wide. Over near the wall, Mikado is sitting in a
shell-shaped pool of bubbling water that reaches up to his chest. He
frowns.)
Mikado: What's wrong?
Senchi: Is that a _hot_ tub?
********
(Scene: outside, the battle is in full swing. Mousse leaps into the
air, spins around, and launches a horde of weapons at a chain-wielding
ninja, who uses his own weapon to deflect Mousse's. Shampoo wheel
kicks at a ninja carrying a sickle, who dodges and slices at her, but
she catches it on her bonbori. Ukyou faces off with ninja with a
naginata. She cries out and leaps back to get enough room to toss
some mini-spatulas at the ninja, who dodges. Kunou faces off with the
broadsword-wielding warrior, and they duel back and forth. Sasuke is
perched on the shoulders of another ninja and is using
Valiance-snoring all the while-as a club. Akane, meantime, is being
chased around by a ninja wielding sai.)
Ukyou: [This is getting us nowhere! I'll have to do something...I've
got it!] (she swings an intricate pattern with her spatula that forces
her assailant back; shouts) Everyone DOWN!
(She leaps into the air and swings her hand. Several bags labelled
"Special Spice" fly straight towards the lip of the flower-covered
hill...)
********
(Scene: back near the pool. Senchi is pressed firmly against the wall
while Mikado stares at her.)
Mikado: Yes it's a hot tub. A very good one, actually. Aren't you
coming in?
Senchi: (shakes head; thin smile) No thank you....I really dislike hot
tubs...
Mikado: But the bubbles are _very_ soothing...
Senchi: (slaps her forehead) Silly me! I don't have a bathing suit!
Mikado: (leers) Who said anything about bathing suits?
Senchi: [This guy's sick! And I can't get anywhere near that hot
tub...]
(She looks out the window, and near the top of the hill she sees
several shadowy figures. Then one leaps high into the air, and a
second later there is a brilliant orange explosive burst and a
tremendous crack.)
Senchi: This isn't good...
(Outside, the side of the hill on which the others were fighting
suddenly gives way and the whole thing begins to slide towards the
house below. Everyone cries out and tries to keep their balance as
they skid along on pieces of hillside-except Ukyou, who leapt clear.
They rocket towards the glass wall, and with a horrific crash blast
through it. There is a huge cloud of dust and several unintelligible
cries. When it clears, we see that chunks of earth cover the floor
and bob in the pool. On one chunk an irate-looking cat clings to keep
from slipping into the water while nearby a duck swims lazy circles.
The various members of the SSSSS are strewn about in positions of
pain. Kunou's head is buried in a wall. Sasuke hangs from the
ceiling on a torn-off piece of grating. Akane is leaning against the
wall, moaning. In the hot tub, Mikado is staring down at a
half-conscious Ranma in Senchi's clothes leaning against him, while
Valiance snores contentedly on the womanizer's head.)
Mikado: A...a...a...trans...transvest...
(Ranma looks up and groggily opens his eyes. He screams and
crab-crawls out of the tub and up against the wall. Akane looks over
at him. Ukyou runs inside, her expression euphoric.)
Ukyou: Ranchan! Thank goodness we found you!
Ranma(relieved): You got here just in time, Ucchan. I owe you my
sanity...
Akane: (crosses her arms) Hmph! It wasn't like she was the only one
who came...
Kunou: (begins wiggling his arms and legs around helplessly)
Wig-wailed wirl! Wi wall wave woo!
Mikado(collects himself): Well, this is all absolutely wonderful. Now
could you all please... (everyone looks at him; explodes) GET THE HELL
_OUT_ OF MY HOUSE!!!! (picks off Valiance) And take this with you!
The End
Author's postscript: Well, here it is. Magic number five. Well
actually, five isn't magic. I hope you all enjoyed "Senchi's First
Date". At least, I hope you enjoyed it more than Mikado did. Stay
tuned for the epic Tarou Triad coming up next. The first part
(chapter six in the series) will be called "Ryouga's Final Challenge",
which should perk your interest right there. What's going to happen?
Well, let's just say that CoD (which isn't a fish) is taking Ranma 1/2
to the final frontier. Exploring strange new storylines and alien
plots, going where no fanfic has _ever_ gone before! Wo ooo oo oo OO
oo oooo....
